I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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