Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
