I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
