In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
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Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
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She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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