There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
