I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
