Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Dignity is for republicans.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
