I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
