I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
