Do you still have your period?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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