The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
