I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
