I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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