I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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