I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
