FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
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Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
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Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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