fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
