The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
