Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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