You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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