And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
