I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on