Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
