omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
