She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
