last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
