i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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