I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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