Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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