My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
