According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
