i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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