Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
bring money and cleavage
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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