I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
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i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
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The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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