Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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