Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
