Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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