Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
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