i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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