Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
