Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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