Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
