The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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