What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
