I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
