I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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