I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
