There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
