Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
