What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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