you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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