Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
