You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We are two peas in an std pod
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We need to get me chipped asap
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
