Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
