I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The adults are the big ones right?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
