I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
