I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
